A List of Things I Thought I Would Never Get Through and Did.

As my birthday approaches (I’m going to be 30!), I have a list of things I thought I would NEVER get through and I did! I’ll keep it small but detailed.

• I thought I would NEVER graduate. I mean it took me forever. Self supported, full time, multiple job having person, I just thought that I would never get to having a degree. Well it came, it was monumental, and a very proud moment in my life, and now I’m on the MBA venture (I am now having doubts of finishing that! HA!)
• I thought I would NEVER fall in love. This was my 18 year old naive self. I had declared myself Ice Queen (Elsa did not have anything on me), and I planned on staying that way, that way I couldn’t get hurt right? Right?! Wrong. Girl meets boy. Girl falls for boy. Love happened and more than a few times! I look forward to loving some wonderful man again.
• I thought I would NEVER survive childbirth. I barely did according to my cousin lol!  I survived and surprisingly cannot remember that pain just that I made some really ugly faces and loud screams when it was time for my daughter to come in the world.
• I thought I would never find my spirituality. God has a funny way of tapping you on the shoulder (pregnancy), and saying hey! You need me to find your purpose young lady. My old life is non-existent. My new life has so much meaning and purpose. I am intentional about all that I do!
• I thought I would never be nurturing. You know I was the Ice Queen after all, well just call me Queen Nurturer. I love it. I can pour my love into something (all I ever wanted to do, even in during my Ice Queen reign). No longer am I an undercover lover, I’m out and proud! My child and how I love on my friends and family is a direct result of my love overflowing.

Those are just some of the things I thought I could not overcome. What about you?

My New Normal

 

My life has been taken over by this little person, every inch of it. From the moment I awake with you in my arms, my life is all about you. Tonight you sleep in your crib, and I make the most of it. Most times it’s me straightening up my home and I find that in every room, there are reminants of you.

In the living room I pick up mounds of baby toys and put them in their place. I straighten out the kitchen and your clean bottles are on the drying rack, and baby food is proudly on display. I go to the bathroom, where my walk-in closet is and as I pass, I see your bouncer and bath toys. In my closet is a space, designated just for you.

Our room has your  swing and your crib and your changing table. I find there are always reminders that you are in my life. The car seat in my car, the emergency diapers, car toys, and stroller are all reminders of you. I even find when I am looking in my purse, a bow, some emergency wipes and a diaper are in tow. It’s amazing to me, that you have not only emcompassed my heart, but you have encompassed my life. Your Mother has enjoyed all 8 plus months of your life and I as I have said countless times am overjoyed, privilaged and honored to spend the rest of my days with you as your Mom. I love you booger bear.

 

 

Praise Report!

Praise report!

I joined the choir! It was all by accident, but then again there are no such things as accidents, I was called to serve and I answered. I am going to be honest, I can hold a tune, but I will never claim to be in the rankings of Whitney Houston, or Mariah Carey. I am simply able to effectively hit notes. I had my first lead in singing a few weeks ago and it was great! I loved singing in front of the church and making people really express their joy for the Lord. It made me feel like I was impactful.

I also wanted to find a way to really relate with my church community. They have really been impactful and important in my life. They are there to help guide me in my spiritual quest in finding my way with God. He is awesome to have given me a place to really be able to learn how to serve, fellowship and be close with him. God is always on time. Thank YAAAA! LOL.

In baby news, my little London is now a 6 month old scooting/squealing/active grabbing machine. She has really blossomed into an active little baby! She is so fun to be around and she is always happy. We were in the store shopping for Groceries yesterday, and I had her in the carrier, because it’s far easier to just maneuver with her on me then in a bulky infant car seat. She kept bouncing indicating that she wanted me to sing and dance while she was in the carrier. Of course people who know me, know that I was up for it. I had a ton of people smiling at her and I as we walked around the store bouncing, laughing (Baby giggles), smiling, and dancing away. Boo Boo has quite a personality!

Here are some pics of me and my Lon Lon(She is starting to get quite a few nicknames)

2015

Well I made it another year,

I left all of my difficulties that I was having in 2014. 2014 was a great year, and also a true learning experience when it came to who I was emotionally. I learned that my heart could swell more than I could imagine for my child, I learned that my heart is still compassionate, that I still could care about other individuals other than myself. That is in terms of friends and family that have really been there to help me with my transition from being just one individual to a mother. In 2014, I found that my connection with God grew. That I need God to center my life, I am learning to trust his timing and his will and to not look at my life plan that I want when I want it. I learned that that is how you block blessings. I have learned to emotionally let go of what I cannot control, to  understand that the picture in my head of how my life is supposed to be does not align with what God wants for me, and also, what my reality is. Focusing on his will and timing is key to peace. I have learned to accept my reality and that truly took, prayer, reading the bible, and talking it out to come to that conclusion.

I’ve learned that I must stand up for myself, no matter what or who persecutes me , that I have a voice and it matters too. I have learned to say no, and saying no for me is very difficult. I am learning saying no to someone can truly show who they are. I have also learned to edit myself and not to be as descriptive, that no matter how hard I try to explain how good or honest my intentions are, that there are those who just want to argue, or are committed to misunderstanding me.

2014 also showed me that I am strong, strong as hell. Most people would cry with some of the things that have been thrown at me. I mean the kitchen sink, the washer and dryer, everything you can imagine has tried to test me. I have learned not to react emotionally, that although my feelings are important and are valid, that my child comes before all of that and nothing will ever compromise that. I have learned that I am a Mama Bear in every essence, that my child will bring out the protective instincts that a mother has and is very  surprising but a very powerful force to be reckoned with.

 

I have also learned that my purpose and my child’s purpose in others lives is to enrich it and make it better, but it is up to those people to be open to accepting blessings or blocking them. That my child is here to center and grow my life as well as her other parent. I have learned that  the whole idea of how a family should look like in my head might not be my path, but a blended family may be my destination.

I have grown, and I have so much more growing to do and with God, and growing my faith in him and learning to be a good example of a woman to my daughter and focusing on those things, will make for a really good life. 2014 was good, but something tells me that 2015 is going to be amazing. My tests, trials, and tribulations will continue, but as long as I look to my faith and surround myself with people who want to see me succeed and will tell me when I am making mistakes to help me see what is more important, then I cannot lose.I have some goals for 2015 and they are already being worked on. Growing my faith, being the best mother I can be, focusing on being happy for what I do have, being joyful, encouraging others, being me! Oh and fabulous hair!

 

How do you think 2015 will be to you?

 

Photocredit: http://stock-wallpapers.com/

Stand Your Ground

You may have to stand your ground alone,

 

Most times that is okay, that is fine. As long as you know that these choices are what is best for your life, you should never allow anyone to cause you to doubt yourself. Especially when the only thing you are guilty of is telling the truth. Truth, it sometimes is a hard reality sometimes for others to hear, but you have to let them know sometimes that they may be living in a delusional mindset. Not the easiest information to pass on.

These past few weeks, I have been pushed and an attempt was made to disrupt my peaceful life. Now, I knew that I would face challenges in my life, but you never know what that feels like until you are in it. I thank God that I am surrounded by some wonderful people that are people of faith. They prayed for me and my situation, they fellowshiped with me, and gave me awesome nuggets of advice on how to handle my situation. I believe God led me to my church for a reason, it has purpose to keep me on the path to being an awesome example to my daughter.

I am learning so many things about myself. Good things! I am a force to reckoned with that is for sure, and I have learned that I will go above and beyond for my little one. I never knew I had a Mama Bear inside of me. I am typically pretty gentle, diplomatic and very reserved, Mama Bear does not play I have come to find out.

 

I have also found out, that through all of my struggles and all of my trials in my current life, I still find a way to be happy, I still have joy. I am not loathing, I am not wallowing in my situation rather,I continue to find a reason to press on and happily. I feel that my maturation process is at an all time high. Sure, I have many things to still work on, I have many things that will test me and I will stumble, but that is our lives. I’m not striving for perfection, I am only striving to be the best version of myself in this life.

This weekend I ended up hanging out with my oldest brother, his fiance and our kids. We went to the Houston Zoo Lights. It was packed! It took me 30 mins to park, and we had to walk a little bit, but the babies enjoyed the lights and me and my brothers fiance took an ungodly amount of “usies” lol. Here are some of the pics

She's mesmerized

A photo posted by Shardè (@shoedooo) on Dec 12, 2014 at 6:31pm PST

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Zoo lights with the kiddo!!!

A photo posted by Shardè (@shoedooo) on Dec 12, 2014 at 6:11pm PST

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The next day, me and the kiddo did our version of what I call sleeping in (that’s 7am LOL) and went to my Monthly Women of Wisdom group gathering with the ladies of the church. We played some holiday games, ate laughed, prayed with each other and planed our next event! I love this group it just gives me a lot of perspective of where and what women are going through. I love those ladies!  Sunday I went with the baby to church . The sermon was about Where is your heart? It should be with the Lord, your heart will deceive you many times if you trust it over putting your love to the Lord first. Good sermon, good message and I will definitely implement it in my life. My heart has definitely deceived me a few times in my life. After that I relaxed with the baby hung up some tree ornaments and watched some football.

And now London saying Happy Sunday to everyone!

London says Happy Sunday!

A video posted by Shardè (@shoedooo) on Dec 12, 2014 at 12:22pm PST

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Being an Anchor

 

I am an anchor.

It is a natural thing for me to fall into. I am a confidant, I am a psychologist, I am an open non judgmental listening ear for everyone I feel in my life needs it. It is my nature. Pouring my positive energy into people is one of my favorite most intrinsic things to do. It is a selfless job, it is great that people feel that my advice is worthy of taking into consideration, it is what makes relationships with others valuable.

What happens if I need to be anchored? My ship ties decide to become loose, and I sway in an uncharted direction? Who helps pull me back to the dock? Lately, I have felt like I was finding myself  swaying in uncharted waters. I am human, it is only natural that I have some feelings of “What direction do I go to next?” Well, I guess I have to take some of that good ole advice that I dish out (Which is really hard to do btw).

This portion of my life has put me in touch with a lot of my emotions. I placed a wall up at some point in my life where my emotions, my human feelings were there, but I had a mask on to the entire world. I have a tendency to place my emotions and feelings on things on the back burner to not cause conflict. Also so I don’t look like some “emotional” or “sensitive” person. “It IS okay to be human.”  is something I have had to tell myself, it is okay to have some conflicts. You have to learn that you matter as well, even if people expect you to go along with something unrealistic.

I really learned that my emotions matter when I had my baby. She was my wake up call to show, you still feel, you are not emotionless inside, and it is perfectly fine to feel that way outwardly. Your emotions do matter. So in essence, my baby girl has helped me stand up a lot more for what I feel is right. Now, by no means will I go overboard with it, but I need to make sure that others do not try to mess up my peace. Being vulnerable is the beauty of being human. It can hurt sometimes, but it comes along with the process. It is the key to finding your joy.

I am learning that I can pour into those, as well I can anchor them. I just need to make sure when I pour I consider myself too. Isn’t the maturation process amazing? Going through it, you certainly do not think so, but reflecting, there is indeed beauty in it.

 

 

Photocred:http://cruelkev2.blogspot.com/2009/12/ships-anchor-cuts-cable-between-la.html via google

Day in the Life of a Single Mother

Yesterday,

 

It was a day. It involved tears, trials and tribulations. It was only Monday! Being a single Mom is a tough job, but you just have to keep going even when you feel like you want to quit. I forgot my child’s milk and my sitter lives far. I had to double back and pick it up from home only to forget my work badge. I get to work late, it was a decent day, very few hiccups until I forgot my breast milk in the lactation room after everyone left, and let me tell you it was a struggle each time to  even get 4oz out. So I had to go to another floor, knock on the door just to get back on my floor. After I start to make my way out of the office, I forget my milk again! So I have to do the whole knocking thing on a different floor again just to get it. I get in the car, start talking to a good friend about my emotions and other things, shed a few tears about it forget I had on mascara, so by the time I get to my sitter I look like a raccoon. I had no idea. I get my baby, decide I need to shop for food and I pray she doesn’t wake up in the hussle and bussle of a busy grocery store. Go through the store shopping with my raccoon eyes, and I’m getting weird stares, I  pay no attention of course, because hey I didn’t know. So I finish shopping, the baby wakes up when I am checking out and fusses all the way home. She is just tired and simply wants to be held. I get to my apt, and there is parking right at my building but someone is moving. The baby is crying. So I ask them if I can park next to them, they say oh there is someone there I just give up and park in Zamunda and decide, I’m going to carry this baby, milk, and all these groceries to my apt in one trip or die trying. I almost died grunting, panting, all the way across the courtyard and all the way up to the second floor. Neighbors who are moving are looking at me weird but hey I made it.  Raccoon eyes and all.

This is my everyday life, and yeah I get weary, yes, I cry about it sometimes, but I get to start over everyday and I just have to keep going. I am sure it gets better, but this is my reality. This is my everyday life. I have small victories and I take them. I think having perspective is key, and also my daughters smiles coos and simply her presence makes it all worth my while. This is just a snippet of one of my days and I still find time to be encouraging, take on projects, maintain friendships, and have great hair! LOL. Until next time.

1st Mommy/ Daughter trip

We had our first trip this weekend to Dallas. I wanted to visit friends and attend the football game against one of our biggest rivals, The Texans. Living in Houston as a Dallas Cowboys fan is rough. You can never catch a break. The fans heckle and poke fun at every second. So I just had to go and see this defeating moment live. Boy was it eventful!

 

Being a Breastfeeding Mom and with a new baby I started out at 8am on a Friday just so I could not be engorged and would have daylight to deal with the baby if she fussed. I live 4 hours away from Dallas. I was also traveling with my dog Gizmo and I was all by myself. A big feat, but nothing I could not handle. I got there in great time and got to hang with my good friend Nakia. London and her got to have a reunion and Gizmo and Peanut (our dogs) got reacquainted as well. We all went to have some Brunch on Sunday at a place called Johnathan’s, it was delish.

London was a baby celebrity. Everyone loved her outfit and the fact that she was a baby, had everyone coming by the table. I have to get used to that. I didn’t expect so many other people to actually engage me and my little one.

 

We then went to Uptown Park? Near Max’s wine dive and did some shopping. I tried on jeans, but of course they do not sell things in a tall. 😦 Oh well. We met up with my blog buddy Chelsea, and had Mimosas and some good girl talk! I will be back, and we will of course have to hang out again. I had a blast with her.

 

I went with two good friends, Brandi and Sid and we were ready for war! LOL. Kidding.

The Texans fans really showed up to this game. I think we were about even when it came to fans. I cheered, I almost cried (After a missed Field Goal that sent the game into overtime), and I screamed and acted like a….crazy fan! I love me some football, it was my Dads favorite sport to watch and since I am a Daddy’s girl, well, I followed in his footsteps.

 

 

After the game, I pretty much lost my voice and was tired. I went out the night before and then with a few hours of sleep woke up to do my motherly duties (Pumping and bonding), and forgot to really eat. So that evening I made sure that I ate some food, and sadly I became sick. Food poisoning. For a breast feeding mom that is a nightmare. I needed that food that wouldn’t stay down, and I needed to stay hydrated. I might have curled into fetal position a few times. I woke up early the next day and took off  back to Houston. It rained the entire time but overall the baby stayed asleep and we made it home safely. Traveling with a baby was not the easiest, but it was not half bad. We will be doing it again!

Now it is time for me to get back on my GMAT studies I start tonight/ tomorrow. I need at least 4 hours of study every other day until Dec. Wish me luck

A letter to my daughter

Hello London,

You are currently 2 months old and I have to say I love you to pieces. You are the joy of my life. I never thought my heart could swell so big, I never knew I could love so big, and you, yes you young lady are the cause of it. I think back on your journey into my life, and I believe you were brought here to give me a purpose. Some of that purpose is to pour into you, all of the good qualities I hold and, all of the ones I want you to have. You will be a wonder. You will be amazing. You are truly a blessing that inspires me to do better. You are motivation. I cannot wait to show you what success is, and that the climb to it is the hardest, but most important part. I think that everyone’s life you come into, you bring happiness . I only expected you to bring joy into my life and now I see that the happiness you give me expands into others lives.  When I prayed for joy and happiness in my life, it came in the most unexpected way, you. When you 1st arrived, I was unsure of what to do. Those big pretty eyes opened, and showed me that love still exists, it is still a reality. Now I know why children enrich a persons life, I now have 1st hand experience. Daughter, I want you to know God, I want you to know faith, I want to you to know that prayer works. Your existence is the proof. I love you London P. Tucker with all of my heart. Muah.

Getting back in the groove of it all

Hey guys!

I am finally officially off of maternity leave. I took 8 weeks off to spend time with my precious little girl and I enjoyed every minute. Now that I am back at work as of Monday, I am officially a working mother. It is bittersweet. I love to work, productive days are what I live for, but I love being a mother, being there for every waking moment for my child. I can see why tons of women do not come back to work. I probably would not be one of those women. I have a few things career wise that I HAVE to accomplish. If I set out a goal, I hold myself accountable to finish it. I am not faulting stay at home moms or those who decide they need more time with a new baby, but I know that I would always have that “what if?” in my head. So back to the grind it is.

Challenges I am having at the moment is finding time to work out, and just get some things done. Having a little one and being a single mother has proven to be a challenge, but I am learning that I am no wonder woman and as long as I have a plan and try to accomplish two things in a day vs 10-15, that I will be okay. Eventually I will be able to accomplish more, but baby steps are required at the moment.

In baby news my little one will be 2 months officially on Friday. Time is flying. She can hold her neck up pretty well, and has some good  movement, is following objects very well, and she is very alert. She startles easily. She has just begun to coo and smile when you smile at her and it is so joyous to experience. I love it. Motherhood is bliss.

 

That’s all for my update! I look forward to blogging about my Mommy/Challenges/Workouts/Life adventures on a more consistent basis.